[A short chronicle| to talk about saudade part 3]

 

I wanted to close the posts of the blog with an end. So let's talk about the end and a some new path [or the alternative path i could have taken] at the same time. So I choose the "day of the year " or like the French use to say "le jour de l'an ". I'm going to use my last Réveillon at my hometown as reference. 2017-2018. 

 

           I have earned two Italians chocolate bars from a friend of my mother. One I ate the other I kept to give for someone special (Daniel, my studies friend in that period)

 

 People use to make a list of some points to get better before the day of the year. In my case I didn't do it. But otherwise I have tried to get better becoming vegan, au fur et à mesure 

. Like French People says, but was a so low progress, I was so immature, but I didn't recognize the need to grow up as person. I've pointed to reach financial independence, but it meant to leave my town and get a scholarship in other city, these two points to me was already a success, or in other words be sustained by the government while giving my study- hand (labor hand in some other way).

 

          I need to replay the vinyl yet , sorry then.

 

I went to a hostel for two days to the big festival at the litoral. I took the chocolate bar with me. One thing a remember the most was the scent of the sheets. Because was the same as when I was with my mother the summer of the same year. I seem have an autistic spectrum I know. But they're making some adjustments in the building so that was the main similarity I could noticed from the summer to that day (I mean in the hostel backpackers)

 

I took a seas bath at that afternoon. 

 

Maybe all of thoses stimulus push me to go away. Always seeking for unreachebles and utopics goals. 

 

Seeking the neighbors greener gras.  

 

In some other way, I've always missed afect. My main goal was to be under my mother wings. Didn't matter if in Brazil or Italy. Just now I judge it unnecessary though.

 

I missed the bus to his(Daniel my studies friend of that period) quarter though, and anybody answered my calls. 

 

So I end up sleeping at 12:00 pm without seeing the fireworks. 

 

I don't judge myself for have wanted more. Or have been ingenuos. Neither weak. Destiny was protagonist the most part of my life and I was just a little figuring. A game lost. But I wonder if some thought mine created some ramification wich would have perhaps build another alternative path and following it I could have stayed.

 

Glad with what I had conquer. With my loneliness. Some others yule parties ahead. 

 

An unknown future ease predictable. 

 

But a future at least. Now wandering in my head I think I got it , I'm so happy for this, I could imagine all the possibilities but I think I would never discover what was yet to come. 

 

Nothing ease I can suppose.

 

But maybe so. I will just keep hoping. 

[For an existencial concept]

Waymond Wang: You think I'm weak don't you?

 

CEO Waymond: [to Movie Star Evelyn] All of those years ago when we first fell in love, your father would say I was too sweet for my own good. Maybe he was right.

 

Waymond Wang: .

 

[to Verse-Jumpers]

 

Waymond Wang: Please! Please! Can we... can we just stop fighting?

 

CEO Waymond: You tell me it's a cruel world and we're all running around in circles. I know that. I've been on this earth just as many days as you.

 

Waymond Wang: I know you are all fighting because you are scared and confused. I'm confused too. All day, I don't know what the heck is going on. But somehow, this feels like it's all my fault.

 

CEO Waymond: When I choose to see the good side of things, I'm not being naive. It is strategic and necessary. It's how I've learned to survive through everything.

 

Waymond Wang: I don't know. The only thing I do know... is that we have to be kind. Please, be kind - especially when we don't know what's going on.

 

CEO Waymond: I know you see yourself as a fighter. Well, I see myself as one too. This is how I fight.

 

 

 

Evelyn Wang: You are not unlovable. There is always something to love. Even in a stupid, stupid universe where we have hot dogs for fingers, we get very good with our feet

 

 

 

Waymond Wang: [subtitles] So, even though you have broken my heart yet again, I wanted to say, in another life, I would have really liked just doing laundry and taxes with you.

 

In my distorted story line. While I can still daydreaming. 

This was An last stupid letter to myself,  and...in some way.. an farewell.